Of Angels and demons and more.......

So, Janice Pearl - the person is popularly known among her friends as the strong, independent woman. Funnily though, most people I know if not intimidated by my so-called confidence are often 'scared' by my guts to survive Mumbai on my solo trip. Don't get me wrong, this ain't flattering; by far! It's a fact I've learned and come to accept from those who have shared it with me. In fact, I've been working towards coming across as less intimidating since the last two years, while not compromising on my personality. I can't say I was very successful.

What beats me is what is it about me that intimidates? Among those who really know me, however, this very response to my personality comes up as love, admiration and respect even. So then are the rest just confused about who the real Janice is? Do they just not know me? Or, am I a different person to them?

The truth is perhaps a mix of all three, and another factor - they do not know me in my weakness.

It's strange, ironic almost, how it's our weak moments that are most binding. It is the weak moments that strip off masks and reveal the depth of our personalities, and it is in these moments of vulnerability (whatever our need at that moment is - emotional, monetary, physical, spiritual...) that you 'pick' who sees you naked.

I am the only child of my parents, who are settled in Bahrain. I spent over a decade of my early years in Bahrain and moved to Mumbai (for reasons I can only assume fate had played a large role in) in my late schooling years. My mother spent some years here with me before she one fine day made a sudden decision and 'informed' me that she was to move back to Bahrain with Dad and that I'd have to live here on my own at least until I had completed college. I was 18 then. I never did understand why she left so suddenly and never thought much of it (it's my brain's defence mechanism to save me from hurt - avoid mental confrontation).

Being the only child, I was raised just like I was my parents' son and daughter; not once pampered, and it perhaps moulded me into being an extremely disciplined, undemanding child. So, I took this opportunity to prove that I could handle living on my own - study, manage finances, cook, clean, travel and look after myself just as anyone with guts of steel would. My parents sent me Rs. 10,000 every month that was to take care of everything. I managed well with that sum. So well that I managed to open a recurring deposit in a local bank which helped me save up and buy everything I needed to make life easier - a microwave, an electric kettle, a nice bean bag, a portable music system for my room, a CD player, a computer and even renovate the house! Pretty neat with no income of my own, eh?!

What I saw of life until then (still in college) was pretty cool. I didn't think it could be hard to survive Mumbai. I did however learn that I'd need to make it really big and soon if I wanted to live the life I dreamed of. There are two primary kinds of people who existed in Mumbai - the kind who were here due to an opportunity they had which wasn't elsewhere and the second kind who couldn't or rather wouldn't live anywhere else no matter the options available to them. I wanted to be the latter kind. It's a given that everyone who lives and becomes part of Mumbai gets emotionally inseparable with the city, becoming almost a part of its eco-system. However, belonging to one of the two categories determined the lengths one would be willing to go to survive here.

That, and every train ride on the life line of Mumbai played its role in moulding me into becoming the tough cookie I was becoming. Experiences taught my naive, young mind that no one can be truly trusted 100% and you always needed not only back-up, but to be self-dependent. I didn't make friends very easily any longer; acquaintances perhaps. But I got along with people very well and ended up building such a large network of 'friends' I could challenge the theory of the Human web or six degrees of separation. Now, I'm not sure if it's my Aquarian nature or just something I do wrong, but most often acquaintances get extremely attached and even misunderstand their equation in the scheme of things. This trend made me change my approach and I tended to be cold in my interactions. It was just how I could prevent people from expecting more. And soon I came to be known as someone with her walls up.

With all this going on, another side of me was building strong-rooted relationships with those I found myself dropping my masks to. These handful but increasingly important people in my life knew me better than even my parents did at this point in my life, more importantly; they made me a big part of their private lives. Never had I imagined that it was possible to share such comfort and closeness among people you aren't even related to (except for a karmic connection). I'm not sure if I'd want to call these special people 'Friends'. This word is used to generally - when referring to a casual acquaintance 'I met a friend at the station', when introducing an ex-lover to your current 'an old friend of mine', when accidently bumping into your boss at the bar while you also just bumped into someone you'd never be caught dead around with otherwise 'Oh.. I was just telling my friend how great our organization is!' So, I want to call these special people in my life ANGELS.

Only angels would somehow always be there or make their way back into your life even after a sudden dry spell when you need them the most, only angels would not need to ask you anything and sense you are saying something, only angels don't look for return gifts, only angels love unconditionally... And when you find your angel you and your angel both, somewhere in your hearts, know at that very instant that there's a bond.

It's possible that I too am someone's angel (well at least I hope so). But today I want to thank in a special way all my angels - who've been there for me to lend a hand, wipe my tears, smile when they're proud of me, buck me up, scold me when needed or just be the brother/sister I've never had. I am who I am today because of each one of you and your love for me!